Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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