do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
