I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Four minutes until I can fart!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
