someone threw a dead crab at me
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
