you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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