Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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