good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
