Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
