I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
