This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
