shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I am spending my child support on dildos
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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