On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
