I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
it was like eating out sand paper
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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