I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
