Welp...herpes.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
