So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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