What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Found the puke drawer
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
