i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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