but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
