I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
