Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
