yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
