Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
