Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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