Well apparently he's into motor boating.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
