it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
