Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(212): View more from New York

her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum

(212): View more from New York

i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls

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(360): View more from Washington

I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock

Fav 29 1122 1652
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(303): View more from Colorado

My liver just broke up with me...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting

Fav 2 972 3551
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(716): View more from New York

Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.

Fav 14 1198 3388
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(204): View more from Manitoba

between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

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(812): View more from Indiana

We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.

Fav 3 1273 659
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(678): View more from Georgia

I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.

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