Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
