we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
whose ass print is on the piano?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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