dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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