just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
