It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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