you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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