life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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