i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
