Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
