just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
