So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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