It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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