I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
