Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's shark week go big or go home
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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