just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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