Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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