Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
