I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize