Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
