I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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