I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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