I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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