I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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