i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
