There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
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I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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