my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
