I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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