why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
