Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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