I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
