I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
