You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
