he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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