I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
