I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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