I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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