I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
