Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
