I hate all girls vehemently.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
